I wasn’t ok.

If you were anywhere on social media last week you probably would have seen a bunch of posts urging you to ask someone you know “R U ok?”.

I think it’s a wonderful idea, anything that encourages people to open up and to know it’s ok to ask for help when they are struggling is a great thing. Those of you that follow my Facebook page or twitter might have noticed the lack of posts or memes from me on RUok day. (or maybe not, with Facebook limiting peoples reach and news feeds, it’s not hard to lose track.)

And the truth is, this is a cause I wholeheartedly support but I felt I was in no position to ask anybody else R U OK?

Because I, most definitely, was not ok.

This last year or so has had it’s fair share of ups and downs and I think I’ve been handling them fairly well for the most part, but this last week something went wrong. I don’t know if it’s this seemingly never-ending Melbourne winter getting to me, the two and a half month bout of bronchitis that just won’t bugger off, or my gorgeous “threenager” who is testing lots of boundaries these days (not to mention testing my patience and sanity on a daily basis too.) but somehow my juggling act fell apart and I landed in a big heap.

I’ve since picked myself up and dusted myself off. I’m not completely back to my regular snarky self yet, but I’m getting there.

If you know what depression feels like, then you have my wholehearted sympathy. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. A friend told me “Depression is such a sneaky bitch”. She was so right. You think you’re doing ok, you think you’re holding it together and then all of a sudden, BAM there she is, the bitch is back. And there’s really nothing you can do except wait till she gets bored tormenting you and leaves you to pick yourself up and start over.

If you don’t know what it’s like, I really envy you.

It’s so hard to explain, because everyone’s experience is a little bit different.

For me, it starts out just a tiny little negative thought or feeling the kind that you can normally brush away or ignore, except that this one won’t go away and it’s just rolling around in my head kind of like a tumbleweed blowing down the street in an old cowboy movie. As it’s rolling around it picks up speed and gets bigger and bigger until that little puff of wind blowing the tumbleweed turns into a tornado. It gets bigger and bigger, sucking everything else in until it blots out the sky and my entire mind is this chaotic, dark, swirling mess going a million miles an hour and it feels like my head is going to explode. And just like a tornado, there’s nothing you can do. You bunker down and wait out the storm and hope there’s not too much damage afterward. After a while you start to notice that you can hear other noises through the howling of the wind, that the sky is getting a little bit lighter, the clouds are starting to lift, the fear is loosening it’s grip on your chest, it’s a little bit easier to breathe, you start to look around and see that everything is still where it should be, the storm is finally over and you survived it. This time. And you pray it’s going to be the last time, but you know it won’t. That fucking black dog will be back and there’s nothing you can do about it, you just keep going because there’s nothing else you can do, you just keep going and taking it one day at a time, and if it when it comes back (because it always comes back) I will keep trying and keep going until one day I will beat this fucking thing.

I will.

 

 

 

 

** note **    I wrote this last week. I am feeling a lot better now. Not 100%, but a hell of a lot better than I was this time last week. I almost wasn’t going to publish this post, because I don’t want to worry anyone and I don’t want your sympathy, but this is my blog and my blog is like therapy for me. This is my place to share whatever I feel I need to share, good, bad, funny, whatever. But everything I chose to share with you, I share honestly and from the heart, so I felt that if I didn’t publish this, then I’m not being honest, not with myself or with you guys and I need to do that.

Also, I have checked in with my GP and discussed my medications and what’s going on and he’s ordered a bunch of blood tests just to double check there’s nothing more sinister going on.

If you are struggling, please, make sure you reach out and get help.  If you need it, there are some wonderful people at Beyond Blue, The Black Dog Institute and Lifeline that are trained to deal with these sorts of things and are there to help you and know that I am sending a heap of good vibes your way xoxo

 

A word to live by…

A few gorgeous bloggers I follow have set themselves a “word” for the year.

I think this is an awesome idea, but I had to think about it for a while to settle on what I want to focus on.

 

There are so many things I need to let go of in my life and this is going to be the year to do it.

Let go… of expectations.

Let go… of the past.

Let go… of stress.

Let go… of clutter.

Let go… of self-doubt.

Let go… of anxiety.

Let go… of anything I no longer need around me.

Let go.. of anything that holds me back.

Let go… and be true to myself.

Let go… and follow my heart.

Let go… and enjoy the ride.

Let go… and embrace life.

Let go… and live in the moment.

Let go… and be happy.

 

As I work on letting go in different areas of my life, I’ll keep you updated on how it’s going.

Feel free to leave a comment about what you’d like to let go of this year, or if you have any tips for me 🙂

Why I Still Love Social Media.

Hi there, thanks for stopping by.

There’s been a lot of talk recently about the “evils of social media” and the tragic death this week of Charlotte Dawson just seems to highlight that fact. There’s certainly no arguing that a lot of sad, little people take to twitter and FB and attack others as a way of feeling better about their own pathetic lives.

But I don’t want the trolls to ruin what can be a really wonderful thing.

When I started this blog it was as a way of documenting this crazy adventure we’d started on; and also because living in a shed, up a mountain, with a baby was incredibly isolating and I needed to feel connected to the rest of the world.

So “Mama Up The Mountain” was born and eventually evolved into “This Is Beck”.

Over the last year and a half I have shared everything with you, the birth of my gorgeous Squishy, my (ongoing) struggles with PND and anxiety, everyday dramas associated with living up the mountain. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

And you know what?

The response I get from you guys always astounds me.

Every. Single. Time.

Somehow I still am blown away that people actually read what I write.

And this has turned into such a gorgeous little community, there are some lovely ladies who I have gotten to know through this, some are other bloggers, other are regular commenters and I wouldn’t hesitate to call you guys my friends, even though we’ve never actually met. You guys help me every day, whether you realise it or not. 

Other bloggers who opened up about their own experiences with depression that made me feel I wasn’t alone and inspired me to share my own story. Commenters who told me that they had been through similar things and gave me hope that I could get through it too.

There is a really lovely side to the internet that doesn’t get as much news time as the trolls, there are amazing people who really want to help and inspire others, there are some great resources out there like #pndchat on twitter and The Anxiety Disorders Association of Victoria (adavic) Facebook page as well as some wonderful pages and groups that give people a place to connect and chat.

So, I just wanna say thank-you guys and girls, you make my little corner of the internet a much brighter place; and if I could ask you to do just one thing for me, when you’re scrolling through your newsfeeds, (or twitter feeds) take a second to stop and comment or like things from the pages and people you really like, because that interaction from you is the reason we do what we do.

Till next time,

This Is Beck xoxo

A Year Of Change

Hi there peeps, welcome to the new year.

Last year was a year of self discovery for me; learning about myself, making some connections, finally (starting to) understand a few things that have never quite made sense to me, a few ‘lightbulb’ moments.

2014.

This is going to be a year for change.

I know I need to make some changes.

There are too many things that are just not working.

Personally, I need to learn to prioritize, not everything needs to get done right away. I tend to take on too much and then get overwhelmed and end up not getting anything done. I need to start giving myself some real “me-time”, to start re-charging batteries that have been running on empty for way too long.  I need to start facing some of my fears and take back control of my life.

I have learned that mess and chaos = stress and anxiety for me. I’ve alway embraced “spur-of-the-moment” and freedom from schedules and routines but that is exactly what I’m going to need to learn to do. Implement (and stick to!) some new routines around meal times, bed times, house work etc.

So, there’s no “New Year’s resolutions” for me, just a direction of where I want to start heading this year.

Where are you heading this year?

 

 

 

{as always, I love to hear from you guys. Please feel free to leave a comment if you’d like to 😉 }

do you like roller coasters?

I don’t like roller coasters.

Especially not the emotional kind I’ve been on lately.

Just when I start feeling positive and motivated and hopeful…around the next bend, Whhooosh, right back down again.

{image credit}

I hate it.

And just like a real roller coaster, you can’t get off if you don’t like it, you just have to ride it out to the end.

I am trying so hard to keep moving forward but this feeling of one step forward, two steps back, is driving me absolutely crazy.

I know I am making progress.

Every day is another step forward, no matter how tiny.

I look forward to just feeling like myself again, not having to worry if the ground is going to fall out from under me every day.

Every day I wake up, I tell myself

“Today is going to be a good day”

Some days it’s even true.

( I wrote this one morning last week. The day before I’d woken up feeling ok, by lunchtime I was a bit emotional,  by dinner time I was a walking disaster, the next morning I was feeling better but still a little bit off, by lunchtime I felt ok again. Sometimes my mood changes so fast even I can’t keep up!)

I’m Back Baby, I’m Back

“Honey I’m home!”

I’m so glad I took this little break from the blog, it helped me realise how much I really enjoy writing and I’m so glad to be back. I’ve spent the last couple of months with so many blog posts rattling around in my head, just desperate to jump out.

But it has changed my perspective on things and on the direction I want my blog (and my life) to head.

I’m thinking about a bit of a “re-branding”.  I haven’t decided yet if I’ll change the name of the blog yet, but I’m making a lot of changes in my life and I feel like  I need to make a bit of a change here to reflect that.

When I started this blog it was mostly to document my journey through moving to the bush and building our own house. It’s still  about that, but I also want to go a bit deeper. I feel like I’ve been “editing” my posts to make them more “user-friendly” and being really careful not to offend anyone, and in doing that I’ve lost my voice and what I want to say.

If I’m going to write, I need to do it honestly and stay true to myself, or not do it at all.

I’m doing a lot of reading and trying to work out the direction I want to be heading in, the counselling I’ve had for the PND has been great in helping me to see areas of my life that need a bit of work and I’ve started reading the simplify your life ebook from HLS and I’m really loving it. It’s been fantastic for helping me “audit” my life and really look at what’s working and what’s not.

So, stay tuned as I do a bit of “tweaking ” around the blog and FB page and thanks for sticking with me this far.

Till next time,

Beck xoxo

*this post is in no way sponsored by HLS, I paid for my ebook just like everybody else, I’m just talking about it because I genuinely think it’s awesome and I’m really enjoying reading it*

I miss my blog

I miss my blog.

I miss writing.

I know I need to take this time out to get my head right but I really can’t wait to get back to writing, hopefully with a clearer idea of who I am and what I want to say.

This anxiety / PND thing is a bitch, I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster, up one minute down the next, but I’m learning to ride it out. It’s always darkest right before the dawn.

I think the counselling is helping, but it’s stirring up a lot of old emotions and things I thought I’d dealt with that I still need to work through. I’m sure there’ll be a whole bunch of blog posts once I feel ready.

But for now, thank you to everyone who’s still around and reading this. I’ve gotten to know some lovely people through writing this blog and it really brightens my day knowing that you take the time to read my little blog.

Big Hugs, till next time,

Beck xoxo

Still Here…

Hiya Peeps,

What an incredible week, I wanted to write a blog post about the legacy of our first female P.M. (but there’s a million of them out there, I liked this one) and I wanted to write about the awesomeness that is the Reclink Community Cup and what a fabulous time we had there on Sunday.

But I didn’t. I wrote this.

You might (or might not) have noticed that I’m not around so much these days.

I guess I’ve just got a lot going on at the moment; my gorgeous bub needs me, my big girl is adjusting to being a big sister, I’m trying to hold the fort here in the shed so Hubby can make some progress on the house, oh and this PND thing that keeps sneaking up on me and and knocking me on my ass.

I’m kinda busy.

All in all, I’m doing ok.

Some days are good, some days aren’t. I’m learning to cope.

But some things have had to take a back seat, and for now, it’s my “projects” that have been put on “pause”.  My craft stuff, my knitting, even my creative projects for the house, and yep, the blog too. I’ll get back to it all soon, but for now I need to focus on myself and give my little family the attention it needs.

I love my blog, I think writing it helps keep me sane, and I love you guys even more for reading it. I’ll still be around, probably more on the facebook page than on here, but I’ll still blog occasionally, till I get my shit together.

(image credit)

I guess I just wanted to let ya’ll know that I appreciate you reading me and I’ll be back soon.

Till next time,

Beck xoxo

Thank you

Thank you.

I am absolutely overwhelmed by all the love and support I have received after thursday’s blog post. (For those who missed it, you can find it here.)

All the phone calls and messages of support from family, friends and lovely online friends who I’ve never met.

Thank you all so much.

I agonised for a week about that post, even as I hit publish, I was still unsure of whether I was doing the right thing. But in the end, I had to do it.

Because, now it’s out there, I have to deal with it.

I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist, that nothings wrong.

And I know the first step to beating this thing is facing it head on.

(image credit)

After speaking to a very dear friend on friday, I realised that I’ve always “put on a brave face” about things. I’ve always been good at pretending there’s nothing wrong. Now I’m starting to see that if I had’ve talked about it sooner, it might not have got as bad as it did.

Quite a few people have said to me this week “I thought there might be something going on.” If there’s one thing I learn from this, it will be that if I ever think that about someone, I will ask them if they’re ok. I won’t wait for them to ask for help, because sometimes people don’t ask for help when they really need it. When you have a baby, all the focus is on the baby and quite often Mum gets forgotten about until things really fall apart.

 

Remember, there’s always support out there, talk to people or reach out to one of the amazing organisations that know how to deal with stuff like PANDA and beyond blue.

At the moment I’m trying to keep busy. Planning lots of catch-ups with family and friends and trying to get out and do stuff even though I don’t really feel like it, I find it helps to be around other people. We’ve upped the dosage on the meds and hopefully I start feeling a bit better soon.

Thanks again for all the comments and messages and calls, I’m feeling very loved right now 🙂

Till next time,

Beck xoxo

 

What am I grateful for?

I know, my blogging has been a bit all over the place lately and that makes sense, because I’ve been pretty all over the place too.

This weeks #listmania prompt is gratitude.

I’m grateful for lots of things in my life, especially my gorgeous children, my hubby, our families, and all the wonderful things I’ve experienced over the years.

But right now, right this very minute?

What am I grateful for?

My husband.

I mean I know he’s pretty great ( that’s why I married him, right?!?) but lately I am really grateful to have him around.

Why?

Because the last few months have been hard.

Like really hard.
Like, seriously, I can’t do this anymore hard.
Finally, I made myself get out of my dressing gown and dragged my butt to my Doctors, who immediately diagnosed PND and started talking about counselling and medication to manage it.
I started crying right there in his office.
I was so relieved that someone actually understood what I’ve been feeling.

Because the last few months have been super hard. Squishy is a colicky baby and incredibly hard to settle. Snuggle wants my attention constantly, which is fair enough, I mean, for the last two years she’s had me all to herself. I don’t have a spare two minutes to myself, ever.
I haven’t been coping all that well.

This is why I’m grateful for my wonderful husband.

He may not really understand what I’m going through, or how bad this can make you feel, but he’s always there to pick up the pieces on the days that I fall apart.
He gets up and gets Snuggle’s breakfast and brings me a coffee on bed on the days when I just can’t make myself get up and face the world.
When he comes in and I’m bawling my eyes out because the baby just won’t stop crying and nothing I can do will stop him, he takes Squishy baby outside for a walk to give me some breathing space and time to calm down.

His free-spirited, fun loving wife and mother of his children has been replaced by this weepy, anxious, cranky mess and he hasn’t complained once.

I’ve had a pretty rough few months, but I can only imagine how much worse it would be if I didn’t have such an understand husband working from home that I can call for help whenever it all gets too much.

I’ve been taking the meds for two weeks now and I’m still waiting to get an appointment with a psychologist. (apparently there’s not many of those up here and there’s a bit of a wait.)
I know there’s still a long way to go, lots of ups and downs, but I’m feeling pretty positive.
I know that together, we can get through this.

Squishy baby & Daddy

I know there’s going to be a few people who are going to think “why didn’t you say something, why didn’t you ask for help?”
And the truth is, I don’t know.
This absolutely blindsided me, I wasn’t expecting it at all.
During my first pregnancy I read all the baby books and I knew all about the signs of PND,I was completely prepared and… nothing.

This time ’round, I thought I knew what I was doing, I’ve done it before, everything will be fine. So when I found myself crying over every little thing, feeling like a failure, with no energy to do anything at all, I kept telling myself that this is just what it’s like having two kids, of course it’s going to be harder, but you’ll get used to it. Squishy’s colic finally started to settle down and he’s a much calmer baby than he was, but I wasn’t coping any better than when he was at his worst.

Finally something just clicked and I realised that there’s something wrong here,
As a mum I love my kids more than anything and want only the very best for them and it’s really hard to admit that you’re trying your hardest but you’re just not coping.

We’re all so much more aware of anxiety and depression these days, yet it still feels hard to say it out loud.

I want my babies to have their mother back.

I want to enjoy this special time, instead of struggling to get to the end of each day.

I want to feel like “me” again.

So, there it is.
I said it.

Till next time,
Beck xoxo