I wasn’t ok.

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If you were anywhere on social media last week you probably would have seen a bunch of posts urging you to ask someone you know “R U ok?”.

I think it’s a wonderful idea, anything that encourages people to open up and to know it’s ok to ask for help when they are struggling is a great thing. Those of you that follow my Facebook page or twitter might have noticed the lack of posts or memes from me on RUok day. (or maybe not, with Facebook limiting peoples reach and news feeds, it’s not hard to lose track.)

And the truth is, this is a cause I wholeheartedly support but I felt I was in no position to ask anybody else R U OK?

Because I, most definitely, was not ok.

This last year or so has had it’s fair share of ups and downs and I think I’ve been handling them fairly well for the most part, but this last week something went wrong. I don’t know if it’s this seemingly never-ending Melbourne winter getting to me, the two and a half month bout of bronchitis that just won’t bugger off, or my gorgeous “threenager” who is testing lots of boundaries these days (not to mention testing my patience and sanity on a daily basis too.) but somehow my juggling act fell apart and I landed in a big heap.

I’ve since picked myself up and dusted myself off. I’m not completely back to my regular snarky self yet, but I’m getting there.

If you know what depression feels like, then you have my wholehearted sympathy. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. A friend told me “Depression is such a sneaky bitch”. She was so right. You think you’re doing ok, you think you’re holding it together and then all of a sudden, BAM there she is, the bitch is back. And there’s really nothing you can do except wait till she gets bored tormenting you and leaves you to pick yourself up and start over.

If you don’t know what it’s like, I really envy you.

It’s so hard to explain, because everyone’s experience is a little bit different.

For me, it starts out just a tiny little negative thought or feeling the kind that you can normally brush away or ignore, except that this one won’t go away and it’s just rolling around in my head kind of like a tumbleweed blowing down the street in an old cowboy movie. As it’s rolling around it picks up speed and gets bigger and bigger until that little puff of wind blowing the tumbleweed turns into a tornado. It gets bigger and bigger, sucking everything else in until it blots out the sky and my entire mind is this chaotic, dark, swirling mess going a million miles an hour and it feels like my head is going to explode. And just like a tornado, there’s nothing you can do. You bunker down and wait out the storm and hope there’s not too much damage afterward. After a while you start to notice that you can hear other noises through the howling of the wind, that the sky is getting a little bit lighter, the clouds are starting to lift, the fear is loosening it’s grip on your chest, it’s a little bit easier to breathe, you start to look around and see that everything is still where it should be, the storm is finally over and you survived it. This time. And you pray it’s going to be the last time, but you know it won’t. That fucking black dog will be back and there’s nothing you can do about it, you just keep going because there’s nothing else you can do, you just keep going and taking it one day at a time, and if it when it comes back (because it always comes back) I will keep trying and keep going until one day I will beat this fucking thing.

imagesI will.

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** note **    I wrote this last week. I am feeling a lot better now. Not 100%, but a hell of a lot better than I was this time last week. I almost wasn’t going to publish this post, because I don’t want to worry anyone and I don’t want your sympathy, but this is my blog and my blog is like therapy for me. This is my place to share whatever I feel I need to share, good, bad, funny, whatever. But everything I chose to share with you, I share honestly and from the heart, so I felt that if I didn’t publish this, then I’m not being honest, not with myself or with you guys and I need to do that.

Also, I have checked in with my GP and discussed my medications and what’s going on and he’s ordered a bunch of blood tests just to double check there’s nothing more sinister going on.

If you are struggling, please, make sure you reach out and get help.  If you need it, there are some wonderful people at Beyond Blue, The Black Dog Institute and Lifeline that are trained to deal with these sorts of things and are there to help you and know that I am sending a heap of good vibes your way xoxo

 

A word to live by…

A few gorgeous bloggers I follow have set themselves a “word” for the year.

I think this is an awesome idea, but I had to think about it for a while to settle on what I want to focus on.

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There are so many things I need to let go of in my life and this is going to be the year to do it.

Let go… of expectations.

Let go… of the past.

Let go… of stress.

Let go… of clutter.

Let go… of self-doubt.

Let go… of anxiety.

Let go… of anything I no longer need around me.

Let go.. of anything that holds me back.

Let go… and be true to myself.

Let go… and follow my heart.

Let go… and enjoy the ride.

Let go… and embrace life.

Let go… and live in the moment.

Let go… and be happy.

 

As I work on letting go in different areas of my life, I’ll keep you updated on how it’s going.

Feel free to leave a comment about what you’d like to let go of this year, or if you have any tips for me 🙂

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Why I Still Love Social Media.

Hi there, thanks for stopping by.

There’s been a lot of talk recently about the “evils of social media” and the tragic death this week of Charlotte Dawson just seems to highlight that fact. There’s certainly no arguing that a lot of sad, little people take to twitter and FB and attack others as a way of feeling better about their own pathetic lives.

But I don’t want the trolls to ruin what can be a really wonderful thing.

When I started this blog it was as a way of documenting this crazy adventure we’d started on; and also because living in a shed, up a mountain, with a baby was incredibly isolating and I needed to feel connected to the rest of the world.

So “Mama Up The Mountain” was born and eventually evolved into “This Is Beck”.

Over the last year and a half I have shared everything with you, the birth of my gorgeous Squishy, my (ongoing) struggles with PND and anxiety, everyday dramas associated with living up the mountain. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

And you know what?

The response I get from you guys always astounds me.

Every. Single. Time.

Somehow I still am blown away that people actually read what I write.

And this has turned into such a gorgeous little community, there are some lovely ladies who I have gotten to know through this, some are other bloggers, other are regular commenters and I wouldn’t hesitate to call you guys my friends, even though we’ve never actually met. You guys help me every day, whether you realise it or not. 

Other bloggers who opened up about their own experiences with depression that made me feel I wasn’t alone and inspired me to share my own story. Commenters who told me that they had been through similar things and gave me hope that I could get through it too.

There is a really lovely side to the internet that doesn’t get as much news time as the trolls, there are amazing people who really want to help and inspire others, there are some great resources out there like #pndchat on twitter and The Anxiety Disorders Association of Victoria (adavic) Facebook page as well as some wonderful pages and groups that give people a place to connect and chat.

So, I just wanna say thank-you guys and girls, you make my little corner of the internet a much brighter place; and if I could ask you to do just one thing for me, when you’re scrolling through your newsfeeds, (or twitter feeds) take a second to stop and comment or like things from the pages and people you really like, because that interaction from you is the reason we do what we do.

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Till next time,

This Is Beck xoxo

A Year Of Change

Hi there peeps, welcome to the new year.

Last year was a year of self discovery for me; learning about myself, making some connections, finally (starting to) understand a few things that have never quite made sense to me, a few ‘lightbulb’ moments.

2014.

This is going to be a year for change.

I know I need to make some changes.

There are too many things that are just not working.

Personally, I need to learn to prioritize, not everything needs to get done right away. I tend to take on too much and then get overwhelmed and end up not getting anything done. I need to start giving myself some real “me-time”, to start re-charging batteries that have been running on empty for way too long.  I need to start facing some of my fears and take back control of my life.

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I have learned that mess and chaos = stress and anxiety for me. I’ve alway embraced “spur-of-the-moment” and freedom from schedules and routines but that is exactly what I’m going to need to learn to do. Implement (and stick to!) some new routines around meal times, bed times, house work etc.

So, there’s no “New Year’s resolutions” for me, just a direction of where I want to start heading this year.

Where are you heading this year?
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{as always, I love to hear from you guys. Please feel free to leave a comment if you’d like to 😉 }

do you like roller coasters?

I don’t like roller coasters.

Especially not the emotional kind I’ve been on lately.

Just when I start feeling positive and motivated and hopeful…around the next bend, Whhooosh, right back down again.

I hate it.

And just like a real roller coaster, you can’t get off if you don’t like it, you just have to ride it out to the end.

I am trying so hard to keep moving forward but this feeling of one step forward, two steps back, is driving me absolutely crazy.

I know I am making progress.

Every day is another step forward, no matter how tiny.

I look forward to just feeling like myself again, not having to worry if the ground is going to fall out from under me every day.

Every day I wake up, I tell myself

“Today is going to be a good day”

Some days it’s even true.

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( I wrote this one morning last week. The day before I’d woken up feeling ok, by lunchtime I was a bit emotional,  by dinner time I was a walking disaster, the next morning I was feeling better but still a little bit off, by lunchtime I felt ok again. Sometimes my mood changes so fast even I can’t keep up!)

I’m Back Baby, I’m Back

“Honey I’m home!”

I’m so glad I took this little break from the blog, it helped me realise how much I really enjoy writing and I’m so glad to be back. I’ve spent the last couple of months with so many blog posts rattling around in my head, just desperate to jump out.

But it has changed my perspective on things and on the direction I want my blog (and my life) to head.

I’m thinking about a bit of a “re-branding”.  I haven’t decided yet if I’ll change the name of the blog yet, but I’m making a lot of changes in my life and I feel like  I need to make a bit of a change here to reflect that.

When I started this blog it was mostly to document my journey through moving to the bush and building our own house. It’s still  about that, but I also want to go a bit deeper. I feel like I’ve been “editing” my posts to make them more “user-friendly” and being really careful not to offend anyone, and in doing that I’ve lost my voice and what I want to say.

If I’m going to write, I need to do it honestly and stay true to myself, or not do it at all.

I’m doing a lot of reading and trying to work out the direction I want to be heading in, the counselling I’ve had for the PND has been great in helping me to see areas of my life that need a bit of work and I’ve started reading the simplify your life ebook from HLS and I’m really loving it. It’s been fantastic for helping me “audit” my life and really look at what’s working and what’s not.

So, stay tuned as I do a bit of “tweaking ” around the blog and FB page and thanks for sticking with me this far.

Till next time,

Beck xoxo

*this post is in no way sponsored by HLS, I paid for my ebook just like everybody else, I’m just talking about it because I genuinely think it’s awesome and I’m really enjoying reading it*

I miss my blog

I miss my blog.

I miss writing.

I know I need to take this time out to get my head right but I really can’t wait to get back to writing, hopefully with a clearer idea of who I am and what I want to say.

This anxiety / PND thing is a bitch, I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster, up one minute down the next, but I’m learning to ride it out. It’s always darkest right before the dawn.

I think the counselling is helping, but it’s stirring up a lot of old emotions and things I thought I’d dealt with that I still need to work through. I’m sure there’ll be a whole bunch of blog posts once I feel ready.

But for now, thank you to everyone who’s still around and reading this. I’ve gotten to know some lovely people through writing this blog and it really brightens my day knowing that you take the time to read my little blog.

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Big Hugs, till next time,

Beck xoxo