On The Move…

Hello gorgeous folks,

Changes are afoot here at This Is Beck

You see, I have finally taken a leap into the unknown, and moved my little blog out into the big wide world of self-hosted.

Yep, that’s right, I now own my own site and everything on it.

All future blog posts from me will be coming to you from thisisbeck.net 

New look, new logo, new content.

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I’m in the process of moving everything over to the new site and updating all the links and everything to go to the new site. So do me a favour, head on over to thisisbeck.net, click on the subscribe button to have my newest posts delivered straight to your inbox.

Look forward to seeing you all over there xoxox

 

 

 

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I wasn’t ok.

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If you were anywhere on social media last week you probably would have seen a bunch of posts urging you to ask someone you know “R U ok?”.

I think it’s a wonderful idea, anything that encourages people to open up and to know it’s ok to ask for help when they are struggling is a great thing. Those of you that follow my Facebook page or twitter might have noticed the lack of posts or memes from me on RUok day. (or maybe not, with Facebook limiting peoples reach and news feeds, it’s not hard to lose track.)

And the truth is, this is a cause I wholeheartedly support but I felt I was in no position to ask anybody else R U OK?

Because I, most definitely, was not ok.

This last year or so has had it’s fair share of ups and downs and I think I’ve been handling them fairly well for the most part, but this last week something went wrong. I don’t know if it’s this seemingly never-ending Melbourne winter getting to me, the two and a half month bout of bronchitis that just won’t bugger off, or my gorgeous “threenager” who is testing lots of boundaries these days (not to mention testing my patience and sanity on a daily basis too.) but somehow my juggling act fell apart and I landed in a big heap.

I’ve since picked myself up and dusted myself off. I’m not completely back to my regular snarky self yet, but I’m getting there.

If you know what depression feels like, then you have my wholehearted sympathy. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. A friend told me “Depression is such a sneaky bitch”. She was so right. You think you’re doing ok, you think you’re holding it together and then all of a sudden, BAM there she is, the bitch is back. And there’s really nothing you can do except wait till she gets bored tormenting you and leaves you to pick yourself up and start over.

If you don’t know what it’s like, I really envy you.

It’s so hard to explain, because everyone’s experience is a little bit different.

For me, it starts out just a tiny little negative thought or feeling the kind that you can normally brush away or ignore, except that this one won’t go away and it’s just rolling around in my head kind of like a tumbleweed blowing down the street in an old cowboy movie. As it’s rolling around it picks up speed and gets bigger and bigger until that little puff of wind blowing the tumbleweed turns into a tornado. It gets bigger and bigger, sucking everything else in until it blots out the sky and my entire mind is this chaotic, dark, swirling mess going a million miles an hour and it feels like my head is going to explode. And just like a tornado, there’s nothing you can do. You bunker down and wait out the storm and hope there’s not too much damage afterward. After a while you start to notice that you can hear other noises through the howling of the wind, that the sky is getting a little bit lighter, the clouds are starting to lift, the fear is loosening it’s grip on your chest, it’s a little bit easier to breathe, you start to look around and see that everything is still where it should be, the storm is finally over and you survived it. This time. And you pray it’s going to be the last time, but you know it won’t. That fucking black dog will be back and there’s nothing you can do about it, you just keep going because there’s nothing else you can do, you just keep going and taking it one day at a time, and if it when it comes back (because it always comes back) I will keep trying and keep going until one day I will beat this fucking thing.

imagesI will.

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** note **    I wrote this last week. I am feeling a lot better now. Not 100%, but a hell of a lot better than I was this time last week. I almost wasn’t going to publish this post, because I don’t want to worry anyone and I don’t want your sympathy, but this is my blog and my blog is like therapy for me. This is my place to share whatever I feel I need to share, good, bad, funny, whatever. But everything I chose to share with you, I share honestly and from the heart, so I felt that if I didn’t publish this, then I’m not being honest, not with myself or with you guys and I need to do that.

Also, I have checked in with my GP and discussed my medications and what’s going on and he’s ordered a bunch of blood tests just to double check there’s nothing more sinister going on.

If you are struggling, please, make sure you reach out and get help.  If you need it, there are some wonderful people at Beyond Blue, The Black Dog Institute and Lifeline that are trained to deal with these sorts of things and are there to help you and know that I am sending a heap of good vibes your way xoxo

 

A word to live by…

A few gorgeous bloggers I follow have set themselves a “word” for the year.

I think this is an awesome idea, but I had to think about it for a while to settle on what I want to focus on.

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There are so many things I need to let go of in my life and this is going to be the year to do it.

Let go… of expectations.

Let go… of the past.

Let go… of stress.

Let go… of clutter.

Let go… of self-doubt.

Let go… of anxiety.

Let go… of anything I no longer need around me.

Let go.. of anything that holds me back.

Let go… and be true to myself.

Let go… and follow my heart.

Let go… and enjoy the ride.

Let go… and embrace life.

Let go… and live in the moment.

Let go… and be happy.

 

As I work on letting go in different areas of my life, I’ll keep you updated on how it’s going.

Feel free to leave a comment about what you’d like to let go of this year, or if you have any tips for me 🙂

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A letter to myself.

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If I could go back and give my younger self some advice, this is what I would tell me:

Trust your body. You are stronger and capable of doing so much more than you think you are.

Sleep. But stay up late too, enjoy it. Once you have kidlets, it’s going to be a very long time until you get to enjoy either of those things without worrying about what time you’re going to be woken up and make sure you savour lazy mornings and coffee in bed – again it’s really hard to have a sleep in when you’re wondering what the kids are destroying in the other room.

Enjoy “me-time.” Don’t waste it. It makes me crazy when I think of all the time I spent watching crap tv or doing things I didn’t want to do for people who didn’t appreciate it. These days I hardly get time to eat or even pee without an audience, let alone to spend some quality time with my sketchbook or trying to do something I would really enjoy doing. When you have free time, use it to do something that makes you happy.

Don’t be shy about your body. Like most women, I have spent a crazy amount of time deciding what to wear, wondering if I should wear things; if a particular dress was too tight, or if those shorts are too short. Now, after birthing 2 babies, I feel like half the population has seen my hoo-ha, and I’ve got my boobs out and feed those same two babies just about everywhere, so at this point I certainly don’t have anything left to hide and I really don’t care what anyone thinks anyway!

“Getting Your Body Back” after having a baby is a lie. You don’t get the same body back. Sure, you can lose the weight, but things are different, softer, stretchier. It’s like the difference between a brand-new, tight pair of trendy jeans, or your old, worn-in, comfy jeans that have been everywhere. My body isn’t perky and new anymore, it’s definitely been used, but I’m a lot prouder of what it can achieve than I ever was of what it looked like.

Trust your heart and your gut. If either one of them tries to tell you something, for f**ks sake,  Listen To It!!!

 

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What advice would you give to your younger self?

Drop me a comment on the blog or the facebook page and let me know xoxo

Doing what you’ve gotta do, to get where you want to get.

Hiya peeps.

A few people have asked me how we can possibly afford to build a house when we both haven’t worked at proper jobs for 3 years.

The answer is simple, really.

Sacrifice.

Sacrificing lifestyle now for a better lifestyle in the future.
Sacrificing comfort now for getting into the new house sooner.

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It’s no secret that we’ll be completely broke by the time this house is finished.

We’ve had to scrimp and save, take little bits of work here or there, lucky Kane’s had a few jobs along the way (he’s self employed), I’ve done market stalls and the occasional hair do from home… it definitely hasn’t been easy but I also think we’re pretty lucky to be able to do it this way.

One thing we’ve had to do is give up on “luxuries” to get to our end goal faster.
Not getting my hair or nails done, checking out sales and op shops for clothes, (lucky we both really like vintage stuff!) not buying the little things you tend to grab without really thinking about it; a take away coffee, a magazine or newspaper, always taking water bottles out with us (good for you, good for the environment, and you save money not buying soft drinks)

And it’s kind of impossible to have much of a social life with 2 kids, 2 dogs and trying to save money, and entertaining at the shed can be a bit hard. It’s ok in summer when the weather’s nice, but as soon as it gets cold – forget it!

A really hard one for both of us has been music.
We both have ridiculous cd collections and really love going to see live music, but hey – that’s what birthday and christmas presents are for, right?

And there’s absolutely no way we would be able to do it without help.

All kinds of help that have been absolute lifesavers, from something as simple as watching the kids for a couple of hours so I can help Kane do stuff on the building site, or some fresh veggies from someone’s garden to save us a couple of dollars on our grocery bill, or just a sympathetic ear to complain to when it all gets too hard. To huge things like helping to build stuff, chopping firewood ready for the winter, gifts and loans of cash to help us buy the next lots of building materials.

Doing this has really made me see how blessed we are with wonderful family and friends.

It does make me wonder sometimes though, when people say how they’ve can’t afford things…if you want to do something, if you really want it enough you’ll find a way. I would have said there was no way someone could do what we’re doing…but here we are!

What could you sacrifice to help achieve your dreams?

Till next time lovelies,
This is Beck xoxo

Why I Still Love Social Media.

Hi there, thanks for stopping by.

There’s been a lot of talk recently about the “evils of social media” and the tragic death this week of Charlotte Dawson just seems to highlight that fact. There’s certainly no arguing that a lot of sad, little people take to twitter and FB and attack others as a way of feeling better about their own pathetic lives.

But I don’t want the trolls to ruin what can be a really wonderful thing.

When I started this blog it was as a way of documenting this crazy adventure we’d started on; and also because living in a shed, up a mountain, with a baby was incredibly isolating and I needed to feel connected to the rest of the world.

So “Mama Up The Mountain” was born and eventually evolved into “This Is Beck”.

Over the last year and a half I have shared everything with you, the birth of my gorgeous Squishy, my (ongoing) struggles with PND and anxiety, everyday dramas associated with living up the mountain. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

And you know what?

The response I get from you guys always astounds me.

Every. Single. Time.

Somehow I still am blown away that people actually read what I write.

And this has turned into such a gorgeous little community, there are some lovely ladies who I have gotten to know through this, some are other bloggers, other are regular commenters and I wouldn’t hesitate to call you guys my friends, even though we’ve never actually met. You guys help me every day, whether you realise it or not. 

Other bloggers who opened up about their own experiences with depression that made me feel I wasn’t alone and inspired me to share my own story. Commenters who told me that they had been through similar things and gave me hope that I could get through it too.

There is a really lovely side to the internet that doesn’t get as much news time as the trolls, there are amazing people who really want to help and inspire others, there are some great resources out there like #pndchat on twitter and The Anxiety Disorders Association of Victoria (adavic) Facebook page as well as some wonderful pages and groups that give people a place to connect and chat.

So, I just wanna say thank-you guys and girls, you make my little corner of the internet a much brighter place; and if I could ask you to do just one thing for me, when you’re scrolling through your newsfeeds, (or twitter feeds) take a second to stop and comment or like things from the pages and people you really like, because that interaction from you is the reason we do what we do.

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Till next time,

This Is Beck xoxo

What a first year.

This week my not so little Squishy-Bear tuned one!

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What a year it’s been, my little one.

The joys of teething, colic, poop explosions  and sleepless nights.

ok, maybe not.

 

But there has been some wonderful memories.

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The very first gummy smile.

The first giggles. The great big chuckle I get when I blow raspberries on his tummy.

This little bundle of cuteness is 9 month old Carter, also known as Squishy-baby

 9 month old Squishy

The gorgeousness of a still-damp from the bath, powder scented baby cuddles.

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The adorable kitten-y noises he makes when he’s just about to drift off to sleep.

The way his whole face lights up when he sees his big sister.

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Snugglebug & Squishy

Ittyy-bitty chubby little baby fingers and toes just begging to be nibbled on.

The little half-curl of hair just above his left ear that always sticks out and makes me wonder if he’s going to have his daddy’s gorgeous curly hair.

Miss Snugglebug meeting Squishy for the first time.

Miss Snugglebug meeting Squishy for the first time.

 

The very first time he said “mama” and then quickly progressed to “mummy, daddy, nan-dee, pow-ee” (polly) He can’t say his sister’s name yet, but just hearing it brings a huge grin to his face.

The first time I saw my babies playing happily together.

The way that, sometimes, only Mummy cuddles can fix whatever is wrong.

A happy little Squishy

A happy little Squishy

 

Seeing our son snuggled up sleeping soundly in his Daddy’s arms.

Squishy baby & Daddy

Squishy baby & Daddy

A million firsts; trips to the shops, visiting people, getting to know his cousins, trying different foods, exploring, learning, tasting, seeing so many thing for the very first time. The fascination in a single blade of grass, the determination to pick up the teensiest speck of dirt between two very careful chubby fingers, the look of pure joy the first time he succeeds in doing something, the dreamy, peaceful sleeping face that I could stare at for hours.

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Happy First Year, my little Squishlet, love you to bits,  mummy xxx