I know, my blogging has been a bit all over the place lately and that makes sense, because I’ve been pretty all over the place too.
This weeks #listmania prompt is gratitude.
I’m grateful for lots of things in my life, especially my gorgeous children, my hubby, our families, and all the wonderful things I’ve experienced over the years.
But right now, right this very minute?
What am I grateful for?
I mean I know he’s pretty great ( that’s why I married him, right?!?) but lately I am really grateful to have him around.
Because the last few months have been hard.
Like really hard.
Like, seriously, I can’t do this anymore hard.
Finally, I made myself get out of my dressing gown and dragged my butt to my Doctors, who immediately diagnosed PND and started talking about counselling and medication to manage it.
I started crying right there in his office.
I was so relieved that someone actually understood what I’ve been feeling.
Because the last few months have been super hard. Squishy is a colicky baby and incredibly hard to settle. Snuggle wants my attention constantly, which is fair enough, I mean, for the last two years she’s had me all to herself. I don’t have a spare two minutes to myself, ever.
I haven’t been coping all that well.
This is why I’m grateful for my wonderful husband.
He may not really understand what I’m going through, or how bad this can make you feel, but he’s always there to pick up the pieces on the days that I fall apart.
He gets up and gets Snuggle’s breakfast and brings me a coffee on bed on the days when I just can’t make myself get up and face the world.
When he comes in and I’m bawling my eyes out because the baby just won’t stop crying and nothing I can do will stop him, he takes Squishy baby outside for a walk to give me some breathing space and time to calm down.
His free-spirited, fun loving wife and mother of his children has been replaced by this weepy, anxious, cranky mess and he hasn’t complained once.
I’ve had a pretty rough few months, but I can only imagine how much worse it would be if I didn’t have such an understand husband working from home that I can call for help whenever it all gets too much.
I’ve been taking the meds for two weeks now and I’m still waiting to get an appointment with a psychologist. (apparently there’s not many of those up here and there’s a bit of a wait.)
I know there’s still a long way to go, lots of ups and downs, but I’m feeling pretty positive.
I know that together, we can get through this.
I know there’s going to be a few people who are going to think “why didn’t you say something, why didn’t you ask for help?”
And the truth is, I don’t know.
This absolutely blindsided me, I wasn’t expecting it at all.
During my first pregnancy I read all the baby books and I knew all about the signs of PND,I was completely prepared and… nothing.
This time ’round, I thought I knew what I was doing, I’ve done it before, everything will be fine. So when I found myself crying over every little thing, feeling like a failure, with no energy to do anything at all, I kept telling myself that this is just what it’s like having two kids, of course it’s going to be harder, but you’ll get used to it. Squishy’s colic finally started to settle down and he’s a much calmer baby than he was, but I wasn’t coping any better than when he was at his worst.
Finally something just clicked and I realised that there’s something wrong here,
As a mum I love my kids more than anything and want only the very best for them and it’s really hard to admit that you’re trying your hardest but you’re just not coping.
We’re all so much more aware of anxiety and depression these days, yet it still feels hard to say it out loud.
I want my babies to have their mother back.
I want to enjoy this special time, instead of struggling to get to the end of each day.
I want to feel like “me” again.
So, there it is.
I said it.
Till next time,