What am I grateful for?

I know, my blogging has been a bit all over the place lately and that makes sense, because I’ve been pretty all over the place too.

This weeks #listmania prompt is gratitude.

I’m grateful for lots of things in my life, especially my gorgeous children, my hubby, our families, and all the wonderful things I’ve experienced over the years.

But right now, right this very minute?

What am I grateful for?

My husband.

I mean I know he’s pretty great ( that’s why I married him, right?!?) but lately I am really grateful to have him around.

Why?

Because the last few months have been hard.

Like really hard.
Like, seriously, I can’t do this anymore hard.
Finally, I made myself get out of my dressing gown and dragged my butt to my Doctors, who immediately diagnosed PND and started talking about counselling and medication to manage it.
I started crying right there in his office.
I was so relieved that someone actually understood what I’ve been feeling.

Because the last few months have been super hard. Squishy is a colicky baby and incredibly hard to settle. Snuggle wants my attention constantly, which is fair enough, I mean, for the last two years she’s had me all to herself. I don’t have a spare two minutes to myself, ever.
I haven’t been coping all that well.

This is why I’m grateful for my wonderful husband.

He may not really understand what I’m going through, or how bad this can make you feel, but he’s always there to pick up the pieces on the days that I fall apart.
He gets up and gets Snuggle’s breakfast and brings me a coffee on bed on the days when I just can’t make myself get up and face the world.
When he comes in and I’m bawling my eyes out because the baby just won’t stop crying and nothing I can do will stop him, he takes Squishy baby outside for a walk to give me some breathing space and time to calm down.

His free-spirited, fun loving wife and mother of his children has been replaced by this weepy, anxious, cranky mess and he hasn’t complained once.

I’ve had a pretty rough few months, but I can only imagine how much worse it would be if I didn’t have such an understand husband working from home that I can call for help whenever it all gets too much.

I’ve been taking the meds for two weeks now and I’m still waiting to get an appointment with a psychologist. (apparently there’s not many of those up here and there’s a bit of a wait.)
I know there’s still a long way to go, lots of ups and downs, but I’m feeling pretty positive.
I know that together, we can get through this.

Squishy baby & Daddy

Squishy baby & Daddy

I know there’s going to be a few people who are going to think “why didn’t you say something, why didn’t you ask for help?”
And the truth is, I don’t know.
This absolutely blindsided me, I wasn’t expecting it at all.
During my first pregnancy I read all the baby books and I knew all about the signs of PND,I was completely prepared and… nothing.

This time ’round, I thought I knew what I was doing, I’ve done it before, everything will be fine. So when I found myself crying over every little thing, feeling like a failure, with no energy to do anything at all, I kept telling myself that this is just what it’s like having two kids, of course it’s going to be harder, but you’ll get used to it. Squishy’s colic finally started to settle down and he’s a much calmer baby than he was, but I wasn’t coping any better than when he was at his worst.

Finally something just clicked and I realised that there’s something wrong here,
As a mum I love my kids more than anything and want only the very best for them and it’s really hard to admit that you’re trying your hardest but you’re just not coping.

We’re all so much more aware of anxiety and depression these days, yet it still feels hard to say it out loud.

I want my babies to have their mother back.

I want to enjoy this special time, instead of struggling to get to the end of each day.

I want to feel like “me” again.

So, there it is.
I said it.

Till next time,
Beck xoxo 

November 20th, 2012

So, that brings us pretty much up to speed. I’m still pregnant, about 6 weeks to go, feels like my belly’s getting bigger by the day! Really looking forward to getting this baby out! I think it’ll be great for Snugglebug to have a little playmate too.

The house is still progressing, slowly but we’re getting there.

I have to say, I’m really proud of myself for sticking it out for this long, and now that the end is almost in sight, I feel like I can finally start to relax just a little bit. We still have a lot to do, it may still take awhile, but it will happen one day.

It’s starting to look like a real house!

We’ve been through some wild weather, huge arguments and some of my very darkest days have been in this shed but in the last 2 1/2 years there has also been some of my happiest ever moments and greatest achievements. Our marriage, the birth of our daughter, learning how to do things I never thought I would do, working at building our house, and just hanging out as a family, watching Snugglebug grow.

I never thought I’d say this,  but I wouldn’t change a thing.

All the tears and stress have been worth it and it’s really brought Kane and I closer than ever, I’m sure that if we can survive the last few years we can survive anything. I don’t think I’d appreciate things quite so much if we hadn’t had so much stress along the way.

There’s still a hell of a lot of work to do here and I have absolutely no doubt there’ll be more dramas along the way too, but I’m also excited to see what happens next.

Till next time,

Beck xxx

Confession time

 

I have a confession to make….

 

I hate being pregnant.  There, I said it, bad mummy.

Ok, maybe I don’t really hate it, but I think it’s really sucky that I have to spend 9 months puking while other women get to glow and do yoga and bond with their bumps. Think of any pregnant woman on t.v. or in the movies, it’s like a conspiracy to make us think that it’s this magical time filled with baby showers and buying cute little bootees, when the reality has a lot more to do with heartburn medication, broken sleep and hormones.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think it’s pretty incredible what my body is doing right now, growing a whole new little person, but I just wish I didn’t feel so crappy all the damn time. This time is so much worse than the first time. I wasn’t expecting it, I thought it’d be the same as last time.

Right now I’m almost 34 weeks pregnant.

I’ve spent the last 30 of those weeks nauseous and throwing up and just generally feeling like crap. I’m over it. Just once I’d like to be able to eat my dinner without wondering if I’ll be able to keep it down or not.

I want to enjoy my growing belly and get excited about this amazing process, but instead I’m tired and sick and sore. I barely have enough energy to drag myself around after 22 month old Snugglebug, let alone trying to keep up with housework and forget about cooking. I feel terrible to not be feeding us all the kinds of things I usually like to cook, tasty and fresh, stir frys and curries etc, but at the moment dinner is whatever I can manage to throw together in the 15 minutes that Snuggle is busy watching Iggle Piggle. I figure it doesn’t really matter because I’m usually too sick to eat it anyway.

All the baby books I’ve read say you should start feeling better around the 2nd trimester.

I guess my body never got the message.

I’m tired, achey, cranky, sleep deprived, sore, bloated, blotchy, hungry, reflux-y… did I mention tired?

This baby is really active too, it feels like it’s using my ribs as monkey bars to swing around on,and as for kicking, wow, I think this one’s gonna be the next Buddy Franklin! I just wish I could take it off for a few hours to give my poor body a break.

I know, I know, I’m lucky to be pregnant, I chose to have another baby, it’ll all be worth it in the end, it’s only another 6 weeks to go, etc etc. It’s just getting hard to think past this big bump in front of me! I just want to know why no-one ever tells you how hard it can be, we all worry about the birth being hard but no-one ever says that it can be hard to be pregnant too. I’m not even worried about labour anymore, I’m just looking forward to getting it out and not being pregnant anymore.

A pic from when I was pregnant with Snugglebug & had my belly painted.
Isn’t it awesome!

Ok, whinge over now.

I’m sure the next 6 weeks is going to fly past and once it’s over I probably won’t even remember how crappy I feel now. (Just please remind me if I ever decide to do this again!)

Just try to take it easy on the kicking in there, ok baby?

Till next time

Beck xxx

 

Shed Life, april – oct 2012

April – May 2012

Still building the walls, started planning the gardens. Feels like we’re making some really good progress here, everything’s going pretty well. Had a pretty low-key 30th birthday.

Hang on, what’s this nauseous, squirmy feeling in my stomach…….. why am I so tired lately………

I remember this feeling…

Yep, I’m pregnant.

Hi there lil’ Peanut

Not unplanned, but a whole lot sooner than expected. We’d only just started talking about trying for another baby later this year. Oops.

So that means no more pouring concrete or climbing up and down  ladders and scaffolds all day for me. (Not that I could even if I really wanted to, I’ve had way worse morning sickness than last time.)

July – August 2012

The build is progressing, slowly, but still going. It doesn’t help that we’re having one of the coldest, wettest winters ever this year. Poor Kane is still out there every day, slogging away at it. Rain, hail, wind, snow whatever, he never stops. The poor things been so stressed because everyone keeps telling him he’d better hurry up and get the house finished before this baby comes! I really wish we could, but unless we magically come into a large chunk of money very soon, it’s just not going to happen. It’ll get finished when it gets finished.  I can’t say I really love the idea of having another baby living in the shed, but I did it with Snugglebug, I can do it with this one too.

September – October 2012

The walls are all finished! Yay! No more concreting. Now onto beams, rafters and internal walls.

Still sick, this morning / all day sickness is never ending! I do feel bad that I’m not out there helping on the build anymore, but between puking most of the day, crap weather and a very active toddler to keep up with, I just generally am not up to it. Luckily Kane’s dad has been coming up to help out a lot, which has been really nice of him, especially staying in a caravan in such miserable weather to help us build this house.

Till next time

Beck xxx